Privacy Policy

We value your privacy, and understand how important it is for transparency as we strive to ensure that your data is, of course, as private as a secret diary under your pillow; unless we decide it’s not. We really do value your privacy, but by that we mean we monetarily value the data that you likely consider private and don't really know you give to us.

By legal obligation, we have to inform you that you have a right to request what data of yours we have, but trust us, it's a lot. You likely won’t understand much of how we use it without costly algorithms to interpret it. The reason we collect all this data is to make our app slightly but insignificantly better and way more addictive and profitable.

We may (and of course, we mean do) share (by share, we mean sell) your data with our partners, affiliates, advertisers, maybe some governments from time to time, and anyone else who asks or pays for it—like your ex, and possibly even that creeper guy who lives next door—because, you know, networking.

We strongly advise you follow the breadcrumbs to read all of their privacy statements as well to get a better understanding of what happens to your data after we pass it along because we we don’t know.

Any and all data we collect under the guise of such terms as “personalized”, “diagnostics”, “research” and “development” as well as many others can and likely will be exploited and monetized to the fullest extent. Even the data we can't yet monetarily utilize right now and have no real reason to collect, we collect and store it anyway for when the technology emerges to further our exploitation and monetization. Hey, hard drives are cheap, its a great way in invest now a days!

A few of our users may have the “right” to manage their privacy settings and opt-out of certain data collections (only if you live in an region with regulations like the CPPA or GDPR, which we assume are more like guidelines).

Our previous research indicated you wanted to be watched and would leave the default settings where they are. By the way, if you find any of these settings, can you give us a call? We've hidden those options so deep in the settings tabs that even we forgot where they’re at! Using Do Not Track? We just use it as another metric now since its not enforced.

We’ll also retain your information for as long as we feel like, or until it becomes inconvenient for us. There will be no givesies backsies unless maybe we’re litigated to a point of annoyance or you can undeniably prove that you’re under the arbitrary age of thirteen, because, you know, we’re not monsters. We're legally required to say that you have the right to request that we delete your data, but it doesn't really matter because we're not legally required to delete it.

So, we may tell you it’s deleted after ignoring you for a few months and then just hold on to it for "legal reasons" or possibly continue to sell it to advertisers even after your account is deleted and you've long forgotten about our products and services.

We also strive to implement all the security measures to protect your data from unauthorized access, if we have enough time, that is. Well, we’ll certainly make an effort to try, like a good password that can be easily guessed in case we forget it. But remember, we're also busy trying to run a business here. We’ll likely spend just enough time securing your data to avoid bad press and can't be held liable for negligence in court if there’s a data breach or a clumsy data leak.

We also have to disclose that your data crosses borders and may be stored internationally in an area of the world where privacy and data security laws as well as ethical and moral business practices may or may not exist. Who’s server is it? Do they have access to it? We don’t know, but they said all the right words like ISO and GDPR, to make it easily enough to place any blame on them if something goes wrong.

If something does go wrong, and we’re betting it will, we’ll let you know with a press conference and apologize with nice cheap words. Well even give you a free trial from one of our sponsored advertisers, such as a six-month subscription to LifeLock to ease your new crippling reality of lifelong identity theft and financial ruin.

We cannot guarantee that your private data is actually private or properly secured, or that our data security and data handling practices are in any accordance with any standard or oversight that could reduce the risk of data breaches, hacks, leaks, fraud or any other oopsies. But you understand why we have to say that, right? Like we said, we implement all the security measures.

Any statements about our privacy or data practices may differ wildly from our actual privacy and data practices as we have every right to change it at any whim and have absolutely no obligation to tell you if or when we do.

By downloading and using our app, you acknowledge that you have thoroughly read, understand, and agree with our privacy practices hidden within this app. You acknowledge that we are collecting every conceivable detail about you and are actively storing your data to learn even more about you, and you’re absolutely fine with it and have zero expectation of the privacy or security of your data.

You also acknowledge that we’re not really asking for your consent; we're just required to have this somewhere on our app. If you have any concerns, you could stop using our app or don’t worry: we’ll just update this policy in a few weeks and you won’t even notice! We sincerely hope you enjoy our product as much as we enjoy you. Thanks for trusting us with your data and your life’s most interesting details.